Grief: Am I Doing It Wrong?

No you are not. Let’s put that out there first, there is no right or wrong way to process grief or loss.

This is often a question in peoples minds during counselling,. Grief is a complex and deeply personal experience, one that everyone encounters at some point in their lives. It can be triggered by the loss of a loved one, the end of a significant relationship, loss of health, loss of something you treasured…yes even an object. Yet, despite its universal nature, grief often feels isolating. Many people find themselves questioning their feelings and reactions: “Am I doing this wrong?”

Just as there are different ways of dealing with grief there are also different types of grief.

If you've ever felt this way, you're not alone. Grief is not a linear process, and there is no right or wrong way to experience it. In this blog, we’ll explore the nature of grief, common misconceptions, and ways to navigate your own unique journey through this challenging emotion.

Understanding Grief and loss

Grief is often depicted as a series of stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—popularised by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. While these stages can provide a framework, it’s important to understand that not everyone will experience grief in the same way, nor will they experience all of these stages. Some may feel stuck in one stage, while others may bounce between them or even revisit stages, they thought they had already processed. This non-linear aspect of grief can lead to confusion and self-doubt, prompting the question: "Am I doing it wrong?"

Common Misconceptions About Grief

1. There’s a Timeline for Grief: Society often suggests that grief should have a clear beginning and end, but this is misleading. Grief can resurface unexpectedly, even years after a loss. It’s crucial to give yourself permission to feel your emotions without expecting them to follow a specific timeline.

2. You Have to Be Strong: Many people believe they must maintain a facade of strength during times of loss. However, true strength often lies in vulnerability. Allowing yourself to cry, express anger, or voice your pain is not a sign of weakness; it’s a healthy part of the grieving process.

3. Grief Looks the Same for Everyone: Everyone’s grief is unique, shaped by individual experiences, relationships, and coping mechanisms. Some may seek solitude, while others may crave support and again some may oscillate between the two. Recognising that there is no “normal” way to grieve can help alleviate feelings of inadequacy.

4. You Should Move On Quickly: Friends, family, and society may unintentionally push you to “move on” or “get over it.” However, healing takes time, and it's essential to honour your own pace without succumbing to external pressures.

Navigating Your Grief

So, if there’s no right or wrong way to grieve, how can you navigate this often-painful journey?

Here are some suggestions:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

Recognise that whatever you’re feeling is valid. Whether it's sadness, anger, confusion, or even relief, all emotions are part of the grieving process. Journaling, talking to a friend, or engaging in creative expression can help you process these feelings.

2. Seek Support

Connecting with others who have experienced similar losses can be comforting. Grief support groups, therapy, or simply confiding in a trusted friend can provide you with a safe space to share your experiences and emotions.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself. Understand that grieving is a difficult journey, and it's okay to take breaks or seek help. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a friend going through a similar experience.

4. Create Rituals of Remembrance

Finding ways to honour the memory of your loved one can be therapeutic. This could be through creating a special place in your home, planting a tree, or celebrating their birthday in a meaningful way. These rituals can help you feel more connected to your loved one while providing a sense of closure.

5. Allow Yourself to Move Forward

As time passes, it’s natural to want to find joy and purpose again. Allow yourself to embrace new experiences without guilt. Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting; it means integrating your loss into your life story.

Conclusion

Grief is not something to be mastered or perfected; it’s a deeply personal journey that is unique to each individual. If you find yourself asking, “Am I doing it wrong?” remember that your feelings are valid, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Embrace your journey, seek support when needed, and allow yourself the grace to heal at your own pace. Your grief is yours alone, and it’s okay to navigate it in the way that feels right for you.